Transitions

I'm now less than a week away from entrance.  I moved out of my apartment completely last Thursday and it was the worst feeling I've had since making this decision.  The last day in the apartment was awful and it started with frustratingly trying to move my bed in the pouring rain and concluded in having to drive to the monastery twice in one day to get all of the bed to my room.  After arriving back at the apartment after my final trip to the monastery, I was left with some last minute cleaning and packing.  As I walked through the now mostly empty apartment every room and every step reminded me of the memories I had of that apartment. It suddenly became very real to me that I was officially closing a very significant chapter in my life and I finished clearing the apartment through tear-blurred vision.  I was sobbing uncontrollably when I left the apartment, but I closed the door and told myself that I was done and drove away.

I left Friday afternoon for a weekend long retreat and it was wonderfully refreshing.  While there I completely let go of my sadness and was finally looking forward to my entrance this coming weekend.  I spent a wonderful weekend with my family and some of my closest friends and really learned a lot about myself and others.

Now I'm back and, though I am severely sleep deprived, all of my anxiety has returned and I am unable to sleep.  I think what plagues me the most is this overwhelming feeling of not belonging.  I don't have a home right now, no place to call my own.  All of my familiar comforts are at the monastery and I am living out of two suitcases and sleeping wherever I can.  Throughout the summer I have been preparing myself for entering the community by simplifying my life and giving away many of my personal possessions.  I don't believe I understood the difficulty of that until I no longer had my apartment.  No matter how much or how little was in that apartment, it was still my home.  It was a place to call my own and I was always welcome there and always felt I belonged. 

My intention in joining the community was to find a way to serve others in a way that would allow them to truly encounter Christ.  Instead I am finding that my needs during this transition are a burden to those around me which is exactly the opposite of what I long for.